I just almost replied to a tweet in my edrecovery group, before realising that my own tweet read 'happy dance in size 2 pants!'.....not exactly supportive of the message I was going to send.
Which is the crux for me of this matter. Yes I know I've developed some unhealthy habits and thoughts around food. Yes I know it's not good for my body. And yes I know that if it turns really bad I could be in some serious trouble.
But. Can I tell you how happy I am to feel my ribs against my thighs when I forward bend in yoga? Or how ecstatic I am that my new size 2 Gap pants are big on me? And if these things make me happy, well, what's wrong with that?
Why should I be frowned upon for losing weight in not the most healthy way possible, when there are SO many overweight people out there killing themselves with milkshakes and baconcheeseburgers and supersized everything!?!?!
And by saying the above, my rationalization will be pointed at as defense of my issues surrounding weight and food.
Its so very frustrating. How can a person look at me and say loudly - are you eating enough? are you exercising too much? you'd better stop that! - and yet someone much too big to be healthy walks by behind me with a greasy paper sack full of lunch thinking walking down the road to pick it up is enough daily exercise? WTF? But if I express any of the above, well, I'm just a skinny bitch.
So to me it's one more thing that I'm not allowed to take joy in, because I'm not doing it the right way.
And lemme tell you, it's pissing me off.
So when I do get into that size zero, even though I'll likely be talked about with fake concern by everyone and their dog, I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it.