Sunday, December 26, 2010


Got off to a rough start. I cried for an hour in the morning. But when I got to my parent's house, and my sister and brother in law got there, I received the greatest gift of all. Love.
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I am so happy my wonderful brother in law and sister are here
love you guys

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Through a mirror darkly

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I am beginning to see things a bit more clearly now.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010


  • I am thankful for diazepam. And a Mother who works for the Dr. so that I have a direct line to him at times like these.
  • I am worried that I may never sleep, or eat again.
  • I am amazed at the small spark of hope that doesn't extinguish even though it has been ground into the dust.
  • I am frightened by extreme emotional shifts.
  • I am afraid that I am suffering karmic payback for anyone I have hurt in the past.
To those people, I am deeply sorry. I had no idea. I couldn't relate.

Jason, when you told me that you cried for days, weeks.
Paul, when you told me that unrequited love was the worst punishment in the universe.
Mike, when you begged me for another chance and said you'd never love another.

Whatever I thought, or felt about those moments, I could not identify with the type of pain that you were going through.

So, now I know. If this makes me a more empathetic person in the future, perhaps this is all part of the path.

But you know what? It sucks. Big time sucks.

Monday, November 22, 2010


  • I am sad.
  • I am confused.
  • I am thankful for my friends and the support they give me.
  • I love my sister and am so glad that she emailed me yesterday to tell me about her dream.
Have you ever had something happen in your life that knocked you completely off your rails? My rails were never the smoothest or straightest at any time, but they were functional and were slowly but surely getting me where I needed to go. Now I'm off. Completely off and completely lost with no sense of direction.

Funny thing about misfortune. It makes you realise how good things were before, even though you thought they weren't. Even though you may have been mistaken.

I know that there are worse things than this. I know that I'll get through it somehow. But you know what? I really don't want to.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me

 - Emily Dickinson

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Nov 20

everyone's favourite

freaky alien plant
clover. tasty.

objects in the rear view mirror......

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sick Day #2

Right. So yesterday was ok. I had a good day. Rested. Watched some tube, ate some good soup, chilled.
Then I decided about 4 that I needed fresh air, that I needed to get the ol' blood flowing.
Big. Mistake.
By the time I got back from the walk my neck was in agony. Took meds to get some sleep but slept badly. This morning? Man. Ouch.
So I decide, suck it up, take some painkillers and get on your horse. So 20 mins later, I'm still in agony, and now dizzy and spacy from the meds.
And. Here I am. On the couch again.
Somehow I have the feeling that today is not gonna be as good. Especially since I've taken another dose and the neck pain is worse if anything. Maybe by the time all this medicine kicks in I'll be too high to care.
this is a true representation of how I feel right now

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sick Day...

Wicked headache, along with it's pals nausea and dizziness. I wonder if one can develop migraines rather late in life?
Oh well, I am going to take the day as it's been given - a chance to relax in the sun (it's a gorgeous day) with my eyes closed. 
With sun block of course. Recently my bl 'rubbed a smudge' off my face that didn't budge. So at my last genesis treatment I asked the Dr. what it was.....(pause for grief). A solar lentigo (more commonly known as age spot). Yeah that hurt. And guess what. I will not go gentle. As long as I have a job and some $ in the bank, seborrheic warfare is on. 
People can say what they want about aging gracefully. Good for them. I'm not, and I'm not gonna. The genesis treatment is for rosacea, and it's been great, with the added benefit of collagen building. Botox is looming on the horizon - again, say what you want. Good for you :). Whatever else may be needed, will be done. I don't know if you can call it vanity. I'm not vain at all in the common sense of the word, in fact, I have a pretty low self esteem. There's a line with me though, and that line is at my neck (which will also be cosmetically amended if necessary).
I see nothing wrong with treating myself well. It's the only self I got. I could justify it by saying, I'm single, no kids, no mortgage, etc.. But I won't. It is something I want to do and I will do it.
It's a bit like the exercise and weight watching. It's healthy, but honestly I'm more focused on the cosmetic results. Just for me. I'm not out there on the market, I don't work in a cosmetically focused industry, really, no one cares what I look like - laughing here.
I feel better, when I look better.
And now, I will feel better when I lie down with a cold cloth on my achin' head :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Henry VIII's revisited

Going back here for bruch today - but without my gal pal. Alison is a successful Vegan (not a backslider like myself - damn you cheese and butter)
The staff was quick to accomodate, which was lovely, but unfortunately Vegan = slapped together here. Al got some pasta that looked great but was tasteless, and some lovely squash that had 2 tbsp of pepper in it.....
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Cooper's Island

This used to be part of a US base, NASA actually. I wish I could have seen it just after it was deserted, but the BDA government only opened it recently. Still a great place for a walk, especially if no one is around.

road to nowhere

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sunday in the Old Towne

Moms 'n' Me

I practiced my self portrait skills with Mom yesterday, on the way to the grocer's. GAH!, she says, I look OLD. So I softened us up a little, gave us a bit more colour and set Moms up with some new veneers. I LOVE picnik. I just sent it over to her, I hope she likes it :) So funny, she was telling me to 'push my glasses up for goodness' sake' but I was trying to take the picture and can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

Just got back from the Old Towne Market, I went in the hopes of a baker's table and when I first walked in there was none :(
But, I bumped into my friend Brian Perry, visiting his wife Kennita on a long weekend break from Uni in Oshawa. It was so great to catch up with them, they are a lovely couple. And now I have a new lunch pal! While Kennita waits to move up there with Brian, she's a little lonely. Enter me - the lone wolf - aching for companionship. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better.

And then! As we walked back to the beginning, Kennita pointed out - a bakers table! Being set up! I was the first customer and made their day (not ) by paying with a $50. But I bought 4 things - coconut cake, lemon cake w/ citrus glaze, cookies bars, and this:
pumpkin chocolate chip cake
I almost squealed when I saw it, I had been saying just the other day how badly I wanted some pumpkin chocolate bread.

So, I'm glad I did that today. I keep on telling myself to get out more, do things, see people....
I'm getting there.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


gimme strength

It's just one of those days. So I'm gonna talk about last Sunday, which was such a great day.

Brunch at Henry VIII's with these very special ladies:
The spider dress, my fave, has a tendency to gape at the midriff, so my buddyluv Alison amused both of greatly by 'tickle tickle'-ing me every time it did. I need to invest in some double sided tape..
The ride up the south shore was gorgeous, it was a perfect day. I was actually a half hour early (slight mix up), so the bartender Anthony kept me amused and flattered the heck out of me until Al arrived. And the look on her face when she saw me was worth waiting hours for. I'm a hermit, and it tells in spades how much of one when my friends are honestly surprised to see me out.
Then a Halloween party at my neighbours!

We had a blast. Lots of good laughs with Steve and Noli, and lots of good swizzle :) And the kids we had were so cute. Alas, we gave away all of the candy (I did sneak a reese's cup).

Good times!

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I just typed 'rambling' instead of someone's last name on a file, so I thought that may mean  I need to do some.

I'm so tired. Had a great night last night, with a little bit ('k, a lot) of wine. I'm still on my Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc kick, and I found a couple of not too badly priced good ones at the store last night. Add a pizza and a great companion, and what you have is me staying up way past my bedtime.

As a result, this morning I'm having a bit of hard time concentrating on work :(blech:(.

I need to tell someone about my trainer. You've seen him, he's immortalized here on these pages. What I failed to do when signing on with Rupert, was to investigate his personality.
Folks, if you are going to hire a trainer, make sure he is not a sadist.

Today, on top of being tired, I'm bruised, sprained and aching. Now, I really don't mind any of those things on their own, but the combination is doing me in. After over 2 years of intense weight training, I may still be too wimpy to be fit.

The other thing I want to ramble about is men in general. I only actually like a few. I only actually love one. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to flay the skin off of that one on occasion. I work with men. On days like today I have very little patience for anything with a y chromosome. On days like today, one of 'them' even speaking to me raises the little hairs on my neck right up. I have an idea how this animosity towards the male has built in me. Lets just say that over a lifetime, my experiences involving them have been mostly negative. But unless I can move to country populated solely by women, I have to learn how to smooth my quills. I'm so prickly sometimes with 'them' that I know I hurt feelings. For god's sake, not ALL men are bad, I tell myself.

I guess I'm just looking for one of them to prove that to me. Until then, I will probably continue to be president of the she-woman-man-hater's-club.

There. I feel a little better.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Under Renovation

Me, that is.

I live alone, and have only a few close friends. One of the things I'm striving towards is more honesty in my relationships.

My sister and I are quite honest with each other, we've come to a place in our relationship where we are not fearful of insult, we know that our love for each other trumps all.

But. Unfortunately this hasn't been true for all of my relationships. And looking back, I realise that they have suffered for it.

I read this:
Honoring Health
And value the advice I've found here.  

There was a post on dealing with anger, and oh boy, do I need to learn how to do that. I have a wicked temper, fast to flare and slow to burn out. I don't like it, I hate to hear/see myself like that, but I've been mostly unable to control it.

My coach has given me some helpful tips, which have given me insight on the probable stimuli related to my nasty temper. I've come to view myself as an erupting volcano, always something hot bubbling under the surface, which may or may not explode at unpredictable intervals.

Yeah, I'm a fun gal.

I could go on about fall out, ash clouds, and how they effect the whole of my life. But I hate to belabour a point.

What I have started to do and find extremely helpful is keep "The Book of Grievances". Its all about letting go of disappointment. If there is something in my life that is starting or keeping that magma on slow burn, I need to identify it. I need to take away its power by exposing it. Then, I need to let it go.

Tough stuff. Sometimes very tough and not willing to go at first light.

Worth it. If you're out there holding on like grim death to something that is bad for you, I recommend you try it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Have you seen it?

My hope? My happiness?
Here's me, end of summer work party 2008, totally unaware that there's a picture being taken, but smiling placidly off into the distance.....
and yeah, work cruises are hilarious
Oh man, I was happy! I had achieved physical and mental freedom from an abusive marriage. I had received a promotion, and a new position in the company. I was embarking on an exciting new relationship.

I remember exactly how I was feeling, and wow, do I miss it.

Lets just say I've learned my lesson again. About being hopeful and excited for 'new starts'.

At this age, and this point in my life, I'm wary of ever being optimistic. I know that is the beauty of the human condition, that we get knocked down and get up again with eyes on the horizon, looking for that better day.

What is worse? Being eager and enthusiastic and being repeatedly let down? Or being blase and negative and never having a hope to dash?

I dunno. I had a great day yesterday and I know that there are great days in my future. But, this isn't one of them.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Georgia on my Mind

I just read one of my favourite blogs Eat Live Run, the author is in Savannah and has posted the most incredible pictures of a bakery Back in the Day Bakery that I will be visiting.

I'm having a god awful morning, work is causing me to take frequent 'round the block walks to calm down.

I decided to take a sanity break online and was instantly transported in memory to this amazing city. I. love. Savannah. I cannot wait to get back there (5 weeks!). I'm going to take about a billion pictures (all of my others are on my broky laptop) and just walk the streets and riverfront for hours and hours. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.

In fact, I'm now entertaining thoughts and plots about how I could possibly move there, someday, soon.

Do you have a special place that you adore, dream about, feel better just thinking about?

I know for a lot of people that place is Bermuda, don't get me wrong, I love my island.

But, right now, my heart longs for Savannah.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Last night I took my first crack at a vegan dessert. Very easy, mind you, baby steps.
It involved graham cracker crust (thank you elves), bittersweet chocolate, coconut and cream of coconut (sweetened, and this was my first encounter. I am hooked).

The most actual preparation went into whisking the cream of coconut to a creamy consistency. This also involved lots of tasting, and resulted in a much later bedtime than usual.

Baked, and my house smelled like sweet, dark coconut heaven. That was the best part. I did not burn it (major bonus) and brought it in to share with my pals at work.

Everyone that tried it seemed to like it, of course at first sample their eyes popped with the sugar slam to the taste buds. :)

I've always liked cooking food. Making tasty vegan and vegetarian dishes to share is rewarding. But not quite as rewarding as making sweet treats to light up the faces of my friends and loved ones.

I may have found a new passion. As long as I continue to give it all away, my finally firm butt will not suffer for it.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

How to Solve our Human Problems

When things go wrong in our life and we encounter difficult situations, we tend to regard the situation itself as our problem, but in reality whatever problems we experience come from the side of the mind.

If we responded to difficult situations with positive or peaceful mind they would not be problems for us. Eventually we might even regard them as challenges or opportunities for growth and development.

Problems arise only if we respond to difficulties with a negative state of mind. Therefore, if we want to be free from problems, we must transform our mind.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Remarkably Positive

I thought that I'd better capture this before it all goes south...

Dragging out of bed wasn't easy, but once I was up, I was out.

There's a new spin bike @ the gym, so I got to give myself a solo spin class, cranking the Lady G to the max(yes, I know, but it's excellent music for spinning), interspersed with my favourite White Stripes tunes (love you Jack).

Even though I missed my gym buddy this morning (more on that later - this is positive, remember!), I did get a visit before showering and rushing upstairs. Bull-footed (ask Lisi :))because I forget my flip flops - ew.

My smashing colleague Stephen bought me a large soy latte, and I have a work anniversary lunch to look forward to at my favourite restaurant, Harry's. Forgot my camera but maybe I can sneak a photo on my blackberry.

I'm gonna try real hard to hold on to these shiny feelings for the rest of the day....

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Missing Kensington

My sister lives a short walk away from one of the coolest places on the planet, Kensington Market. And although I haven't seen every inch of it, everything I've seen I'm madly in love with.
It's so eclectic and busy. There's every type of person imaginable vending or walking the streets. The stores are small and quirky. I'm all about natural cosmetics, and Desert Essence had us in there for an hour, just looking at everything and trying to limit purchases to almost necessary, at least. I still have my half calabash of shea butter, I'm dying to use it but also reluctant to open it.
The produce grocer's was an eye opener for an island grrl - so many fresh beautiful veggies I merely stood in the door and gawked.

gorgeous. the fruit and my sis
 The many restaurants are a deprived vegetarian's dream. Again, much standing and staring, this time at menu boards and salad bars. Crazy stuff.
I loved this place, but we didn't go in (yet)
And Canadians, so sweet, always stopped and let you take a picture without tromping through it (ahem, hear me Bermudians?)
We had such a great time, we always do. I flew to Toronto to be chased down the street by a Jamaican wanting to put perfumed oil on me...dude, seriously? That happens pretty much every day in Bermuda ;)
And since cheesy grins are our thing
Oh, last but not least, we stopped in here for a 'quick' (yeah not so much) smoothie on our way to mani-pedi heaven. And yes I'm still so goth struck at 37 that I only paint fingers and toes black. This place smelled more heavenly than any other place I've ever had the pleasure of waiting an inordinate amount of time for a smoothie in. And those bagels that weren't bagels but some kind of spinach cheese pastry events? I'm coming for you....

Monday, October 18, 2010


Everything is hurting right now. Stomach, because I'm starving. Head, because I'm so tired and overwhelmed. Legs, because I'm trying to integrate running into my morning cardio routine. Back, because I've been hunched frantically over my desk all morning.
I hate to be the complaining type, after all I have a sweet life compared to many.
But damn! Sometimes things just add up and weigh you down.
I'm on a major emotional roller coaster to top it all off. Just when things seem to be going right, just when there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel...
It's my own fault, I know I should be stronger, or braver, or somethin'.

To lighten up a bit, I listened to my sister and friends and tried the kale soup thing with my huge vat of kale I just wasn't gonna eat. And - hey! It's pretty good. Of course I now have enough to feed a small army, I froze some and will be having it for lunch over the next few days. Soup plus a crusty ww roll? Hang on stomach, it's almost lunch time.

And, hang on me, things will get better.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


So you all know that I've been trying to learn how to take pictures of myself. I've even had someone come over to try to teach me.

So, me tries...
I hold the camera WAY off
Don't even know what went wrong here
Got it!!!

Ha! I love October!
And, I love picasa and picnik! This is what I've been doing all day. "Horror-fying" pictures of myself.
Life? What life?