Sunday, January 30, 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011

Gym Talk

Or, "Why does my trainer make me do all those jumping jacks?, and, Is the new hot guy in the gym flirting, or just really friendly?"

Rupert and I have had this conversation, more than once. I don't like jumping exercises. Of which he has many, various, in his repertoire. He swears that they are primo moves, the best aerobic/conditioning moves, moves that burn calories while introducing bored old muscles to new exertion. I swear that I have big boobs, and bouncing them around makes me feel, well, silly. 'No one is watching you', he says, 'and stop fixing them in front of me, please'. Hmmph.
So, he wins, as usual, but as I hop around his gym like a cracked out b-rabbit, I can't help but have the nagging suspicion that there's a camera, and a live feed, direct to his giggling, ogling buddies.

Yes, there is some new eye candy on the a.m. gym roster (sorry Cliff). His name is Dave, and he is terribly attractive. This week, we've had many interesting and funny conversations. While I've managed not to stare at his well developed, tanned biceps (much). At the end of each workout (now 45 minutes of strenuous cardio for me - yay me!) he always says 'see you tomorrow?' to which I reply with some grinning and perhaps even a little blush. So I wonder on my way to the locker room, 'is this super hot guy flirting with me? Or just being friendly?'. Then I remember, this is me, at 7:30 a.m., pretty much fresh from my pillow, puffy eyed, squirrel-haired and make up free. So yeah. Dave is a super hot, super friendly guy.....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Lazy Sunday (after a lazy Saturday)

It may be the weather, or may be that I'm actually really lazy! But I think it's because I'm depressed. I'm not 'sad' or sobbing my guts out, I want to do nothing but read or watch a movie. The weather has given me a perfect excuse not to go out and jog, I really should get out there and feel better.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.
I have so much to be grateful for, I guess it will take a little more time to really grow into that.
Today I am thinking about how I didn't realize the truth or the heart of the matter. And I'm thinking about how I am in the end more fortunate than some others.
It is something I wonder about people, and I now wonder about myself, our ability to delude ourselves. To make believe that everything is ok, maybe even good, when in fact it is anything but.
It is so much easier to go with the flow, to take the easy road and not make any changes. But what a horrific way to live and a denial of what life has to offer.
Waking up with my delusions in the past is still not easy, and still hurts. But waking up knowing it's in the past is a peaceful feeling.
Knowing what my future holds is honesty, I will always demand it of others and of myself.
Lessons learned. At 37 makes me wonder how many hard knocks are left before I get it 'right'!
I hope that I can embrace my lessons and keep on learning to seek what I truly deserve. And I wish the same for everyone.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Letting go

This is tough. My coach and I talked about letting go, and how we need to, to be open to what life has to offer us.
I've been through a really crappy time lately. Months worth. I've seen dreams die and castles burn in the sky. I've had to face the reality that something I believed in was at best a fantasy, and at worst, a lie.
I've had Dr.s diagnose me with "adjustment disorder", which is similar to post traumatic stress disorder. I was thrown into a deep dark hole, that I've committed to climbing out of, with help.
Along the way, as well as facing my dark truths and lies, I've also been having to face others'. It's almost as if I was walking my road with my eyes closed. And the truth is, I'm scared to continue on with my eyes opening. It is disturbing and none too pleasant.
I know why we hide behind lies and fantasies and drugs and booze. It is so much easier than taking a hard look at reality and all it's ugly flaws. I used medication to help me through the first month of this adjustment. After not sleeping or eating for weeks. After waking up howling in anguish through the nights, between nightmares. I could not go on like that so I asked for help and received it in the form of a wonderful insidious benzodiazepine. And let me tell you, I KNOW why so many are addicted. It makes life and living it so much better. But I've stopped taking it and now must face reality - with the help of therapy and anti-depressants. I also had no idea how very depressed I was before I sought this help.
All in all, I am trying to see what I'm going through as a necessary step towards the real me.
I have no illusions that I'll feel good every day, that I'll have hope every day, that I won't have that awful feeling in my stomach or cry again.
I am trying to let go. Trying to let go of illusions. Trying to let go of control. Trying to let go of expectations. Trying to live.
I would not wish the past few months of my life on anyone. I would not wish the past decade of my life on anyone. I am letting go of that too. A wise person said - you can't live in the past, why dwell on it? Yes it shapes who we are. But we don't have to let it ruin us.
Here's wishing you luck and happiness on your journey, wherever you are on it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Happy Place

Sometimes, you have to keep things that remind you of happy moments as close to you as possible.
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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd

Monday, January 3, 2011