Sunday, November 28, 2010

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Today

  • I am thankful for diazepam. And a Mother who works for the Dr. so that I have a direct line to him at times like these.
  • I am worried that I may never sleep, or eat again.
  • I am amazed at the small spark of hope that doesn't extinguish even though it has been ground into the dust.
  • I am frightened by extreme emotional shifts.
  • I am afraid that I am suffering karmic payback for anyone I have hurt in the past.
To those people, I am deeply sorry. I had no idea. I couldn't relate.

Jason, when you told me that you cried for days, weeks.
Paul, when you told me that unrequited love was the worst punishment in the universe.
Mike, when you begged me for another chance and said you'd never love another.

Whatever I thought, or felt about those moments, I could not identify with the type of pain that you were going through.

So, now I know. If this makes me a more empathetic person in the future, perhaps this is all part of the path.

But you know what? It sucks. Big time sucks.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Today

  • I am sad.
  • I am confused.
  • I am thankful for my friends and the support they give me.
  • I love my sister and am so glad that she emailed me yesterday to tell me about her dream.
Have you ever had something happen in your life that knocked you completely off your rails? My rails were never the smoothest or straightest at any time, but they were functional and were slowly but surely getting me where I needed to go. Now I'm off. Completely off and completely lost with no sense of direction.

Funny thing about misfortune. It makes you realise how good things were before, even though you thought they weren't. Even though you may have been mistaken.

I know that there are worse things than this. I know that I'll get through it somehow. But you know what? I really don't want to.

Hope     
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,


And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.


I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me


 - Emily Dickinson

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Nov 20

everyone's favourite

freaky alien plant
clover. tasty.


objects in the rear view mirror......


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sick Day #2

Right. So yesterday was ok. I had a good day. Rested. Watched some tube, ate some good soup, chilled.
Then I decided about 4 that I needed fresh air, that I needed to get the ol' blood flowing.
Big. Mistake.
By the time I got back from the walk my neck was in agony. Took meds to get some sleep but slept badly. This morning? Man. Ouch.
So I decide, suck it up, take some painkillers and get on your horse. So 20 mins later, I'm still in agony, and now dizzy and spacy from the meds.
And. Here I am. On the couch again.
Somehow I have the feeling that today is not gonna be as good. Especially since I've taken another dose and the neck pain is worse if anything. Maybe by the time all this medicine kicks in I'll be too high to care.
this is a true representation of how I feel right now

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sick Day...

Wicked headache, along with it's pals nausea and dizziness. I wonder if one can develop migraines rather late in life?
Oh well, I am going to take the day as it's been given - a chance to relax in the sun (it's a gorgeous day) with my eyes closed. 
With sun block of course. Recently my bl 'rubbed a smudge' off my face that didn't budge. So at my last genesis treatment I asked the Dr. what it was.....(pause for grief). A solar lentigo (more commonly known as age spot). Yeah that hurt. And guess what. I will not go gentle. As long as I have a job and some $ in the bank, seborrheic warfare is on. 
People can say what they want about aging gracefully. Good for them. I'm not, and I'm not gonna. The genesis treatment is for rosacea, and it's been great, with the added benefit of collagen building. Botox is looming on the horizon - again, say what you want. Good for you :). Whatever else may be needed, will be done. I don't know if you can call it vanity. I'm not vain at all in the common sense of the word, in fact, I have a pretty low self esteem. There's a line with me though, and that line is at my neck (which will also be cosmetically amended if necessary).
I see nothing wrong with treating myself well. It's the only self I got. I could justify it by saying, I'm single, no kids, no mortgage, etc.. But I won't. It is something I want to do and I will do it.
It's a bit like the exercise and weight watching. It's healthy, but honestly I'm more focused on the cosmetic results. Just for me. I'm not out there on the market, I don't work in a cosmetically focused industry, really, no one cares what I look like - laughing here.
I feel better, when I look better.
And now, I will feel better when I lie down with a cold cloth on my achin' head :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Henry VIII's revisited


Going back here for bruch today - but without my gal pal. Alison is a successful Vegan (not a backslider like myself - damn you cheese and butter)
The staff was quick to accomodate, which was lovely, but unfortunately Vegan = slapped together here. Al got some pasta that looked great but was tasteless, and some lovely squash that had 2 tbsp of pepper in it.....
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Cooper's Island

This used to be part of a US base, NASA actually. I wish I could have seen it just after it was deserted, but the BDA government only opened it recently. Still a great place for a walk, especially if no one is around.










road to nowhere


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sunday in the Old Towne


Moms 'n' Me


I practiced my self portrait skills with Mom yesterday, on the way to the grocer's. GAH!, she says, I look OLD. So I softened us up a little, gave us a bit more colour and set Moms up with some new veneers. I LOVE picnik. I just sent it over to her, I hope she likes it :) So funny, she was telling me to 'push my glasses up for goodness' sake' but I was trying to take the picture and can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

Just got back from the Old Towne Market, I went in the hopes of a baker's table and when I first walked in there was none :(
But, I bumped into my friend Brian Perry, visiting his wife Kennita on a long weekend break from Uni in Oshawa. It was so great to catch up with them, they are a lovely couple. And now I have a new lunch pal! While Kennita waits to move up there with Brian, she's a little lonely. Enter me - the lone wolf - aching for companionship. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better.

And then! As we walked back to the beginning, Kennita pointed out - a bakers table! Being set up! I was the first customer and made their day (not ) by paying with a $50. But I bought 4 things - coconut cake, lemon cake w/ citrus glaze, cookies bars, and this:
pumpkin chocolate chip cake
I almost squealed when I saw it, I had been saying just the other day how badly I wanted some pumpkin chocolate bread.

So, I'm glad I did that today. I keep on telling myself to get out more, do things, see people....
I'm getting there.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Sadderday

gimme strength

It's just one of those days. So I'm gonna talk about last Sunday, which was such a great day.

Brunch at Henry VIII's with these very special ladies:
The spider dress, my fave, has a tendency to gape at the midriff, so my buddyluv Alison amused both of greatly by 'tickle tickle'-ing me every time it did. I need to invest in some double sided tape..
The ride up the south shore was gorgeous, it was a perfect day. I was actually a half hour early (slight mix up), so the bartender Anthony kept me amused and flattered the heck out of me until Al arrived. And the look on her face when she saw me was worth waiting hours for. I'm a hermit, and it tells in spades how much of one when my friends are honestly surprised to see me out.
Then a Halloween party at my neighbours!





We had a blast. Lots of good laughs with Steve and Noli, and lots of good swizzle :) And the kids we had were so cute. Alas, we gave away all of the candy (I did sneak a reese's cup).

Good times!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Ramblings...

I just typed 'rambling' instead of someone's last name on a file, so I thought that may mean  I need to do some.

I'm so tired. Had a great night last night, with a little bit ('k, a lot) of wine. I'm still on my Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc kick, and I found a couple of not too badly priced good ones at the store last night. Add a pizza and a great companion, and what you have is me staying up way past my bedtime.

As a result, this morning I'm having a bit of hard time concentrating on work :(blech:(.

I need to tell someone about my trainer. You've seen him, he's immortalized here on these pages. What I failed to do when signing on with Rupert, was to investigate his personality.
Folks, if you are going to hire a trainer, make sure he is not a sadist.

Today, on top of being tired, I'm bruised, sprained and aching. Now, I really don't mind any of those things on their own, but the combination is doing me in. After over 2 years of intense weight training, I may still be too wimpy to be fit.

The other thing I want to ramble about is men in general. I only actually like a few. I only actually love one. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to flay the skin off of that one on occasion. I work with men. On days like today I have very little patience for anything with a y chromosome. On days like today, one of 'them' even speaking to me raises the little hairs on my neck right up. I have an idea how this animosity towards the male has built in me. Lets just say that over a lifetime, my experiences involving them have been mostly negative. But unless I can move to country populated solely by women, I have to learn how to smooth my quills. I'm so prickly sometimes with 'them' that I know I hurt feelings. For god's sake, not ALL men are bad, I tell myself.

I guess I'm just looking for one of them to prove that to me. Until then, I will probably continue to be president of the she-woman-man-hater's-club.

There. I feel a little better.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Under Renovation

Me, that is.

I live alone, and have only a few close friends. One of the things I'm striving towards is more honesty in my relationships.

My sister and I are quite honest with each other, we've come to a place in our relationship where we are not fearful of insult, we know that our love for each other trumps all.

But. Unfortunately this hasn't been true for all of my relationships. And looking back, I realise that they have suffered for it.

I read this:
Honoring Health
And value the advice I've found here.  

There was a post on dealing with anger, and oh boy, do I need to learn how to do that. I have a wicked temper, fast to flare and slow to burn out. I don't like it, I hate to hear/see myself like that, but I've been mostly unable to control it.

My coach has given me some helpful tips, which have given me insight on the probable stimuli related to my nasty temper. I've come to view myself as an erupting volcano, always something hot bubbling under the surface, which may or may not explode at unpredictable intervals.

Yeah, I'm a fun gal.

I could go on about fall out, ash clouds, and how they effect the whole of my life. But I hate to belabour a point.

What I have started to do and find extremely helpful is keep "The Book of Grievances". Its all about letting go of disappointment. If there is something in my life that is starting or keeping that magma on slow burn, I need to identify it. I need to take away its power by exposing it. Then, I need to let it go.

Tough stuff. Sometimes very tough and not willing to go at first light.

Worth it. If you're out there holding on like grim death to something that is bad for you, I recommend you try it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Have you seen it?

My hope? My happiness?
Here's me, end of summer work party 2008, totally unaware that there's a picture being taken, but smiling placidly off into the distance.....
and yeah, work cruises are hilarious
Oh man, I was happy! I had achieved physical and mental freedom from an abusive marriage. I had received a promotion, and a new position in the company. I was embarking on an exciting new relationship.

I remember exactly how I was feeling, and wow, do I miss it.

Lets just say I've learned my lesson again. About being hopeful and excited for 'new starts'.

At this age, and this point in my life, I'm wary of ever being optimistic. I know that is the beauty of the human condition, that we get knocked down and get up again with eyes on the horizon, looking for that better day.

What is worse? Being eager and enthusiastic and being repeatedly let down? Or being blase and negative and never having a hope to dash?

I dunno. I had a great day yesterday and I know that there are great days in my future. But, this isn't one of them.