Sunday, January 23, 2011

Lazy Sunday (after a lazy Saturday)

It may be the weather, or may be that I'm actually really lazy! But I think it's because I'm depressed. I'm not 'sad' or sobbing my guts out, I want to do nothing but read or watch a movie. The weather has given me a perfect excuse not to go out and jog, I really should get out there and feel better.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.
I have so much to be grateful for, I guess it will take a little more time to really grow into that.
Today I am thinking about how I didn't realize the truth or the heart of the matter. And I'm thinking about how I am in the end more fortunate than some others.
It is something I wonder about people, and I now wonder about myself, our ability to delude ourselves. To make believe that everything is ok, maybe even good, when in fact it is anything but.
It is so much easier to go with the flow, to take the easy road and not make any changes. But what a horrific way to live and a denial of what life has to offer.
Waking up with my delusions in the past is still not easy, and still hurts. But waking up knowing it's in the past is a peaceful feeling.
Knowing what my future holds is honesty, I will always demand it of others and of myself.
Lessons learned. At 37 makes me wonder how many hard knocks are left before I get it 'right'!
I hope that I can embrace my lessons and keep on learning to seek what I truly deserve. And I wish the same for everyone.

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