Sunday, January 16, 2011

Letting go

This is tough. My coach and I talked about letting go, and how we need to, to be open to what life has to offer us.
I've been through a really crappy time lately. Months worth. I've seen dreams die and castles burn in the sky. I've had to face the reality that something I believed in was at best a fantasy, and at worst, a lie.
I've had Dr.s diagnose me with "adjustment disorder", which is similar to post traumatic stress disorder. I was thrown into a deep dark hole, that I've committed to climbing out of, with help.
Along the way, as well as facing my dark truths and lies, I've also been having to face others'. It's almost as if I was walking my road with my eyes closed. And the truth is, I'm scared to continue on with my eyes opening. It is disturbing and none too pleasant.
I know why we hide behind lies and fantasies and drugs and booze. It is so much easier than taking a hard look at reality and all it's ugly flaws. I used medication to help me through the first month of this adjustment. After not sleeping or eating for weeks. After waking up howling in anguish through the nights, between nightmares. I could not go on like that so I asked for help and received it in the form of a wonderful insidious benzodiazepine. And let me tell you, I KNOW why so many are addicted. It makes life and living it so much better. But I've stopped taking it and now must face reality - with the help of therapy and anti-depressants. I also had no idea how very depressed I was before I sought this help.
All in all, I am trying to see what I'm going through as a necessary step towards the real me.
I have no illusions that I'll feel good every day, that I'll have hope every day, that I won't have that awful feeling in my stomach or cry again.
I am trying to let go. Trying to let go of illusions. Trying to let go of control. Trying to let go of expectations. Trying to live.
I would not wish the past few months of my life on anyone. I would not wish the past decade of my life on anyone. I am letting go of that too. A wise person said - you can't live in the past, why dwell on it? Yes it shapes who we are. But we don't have to let it ruin us.
Here's wishing you luck and happiness on your journey, wherever you are on it.

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