I AM a miserable old b*tch!

As I rode into town bright and early this morning (bitching), I reflected on the weekend and realised that apart from a cashier and neighbourly hello, I had literally spoken to NO ONE all weekend (texts don't count).

There is no doubt that I am well on my way to becoming that scary old witch lady on the hill with a flock of strays and more imaginary friends than real ones (see below).

Who I spent the weekend with. Thank you A&E

I was a little upset by this at first and complained to people about it via whatsapp (no one replied). But I have to admit to myself and everyone. It was pretty much the best weekend ever.

Like drinking flowers....

One of my 'better health' habit adjustments is to drink green tea all day, instead of coffee (I was up to over four cups and kinda irritable, like).
I love Jasmine green tea. It's like drinking flowers.

where I need to be right now.......

So pretty. So...........quiet.
Just the sound of the ocean and the salty breeze. Maybe a coupla sea birds.
Nobody talking loudly on the phone about motor insurance. Nobody yelling in the next room about life insurance premiums.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

summer dreaming

My boo's front yard. Can't wait to be sitting in those adirondacks sipping some skinnygirl margaritas!

It's a beautiful day

The sun is OUT baby. It is so gorgeous and I have every window in the house wide open to catch the light breeze that smells of spring. And sounds of spring with cardinals calling for their summer love.
Yes, those are my yoga mats out there, catching some rays. They get stinky, yo. Nothing worse than child's pose with a snoot full of foot odour. You're welcome. So you wash them with a bit of detergent, let them dry in the sun and pow. Perfect.

THIS is a huge suitcase packed full with all the clothes that are now too big for me! Mom is taking it to Canada to donate to the Dream Centre in Hamilton, Ontario. I can't begin to tell you how great it feels to put pounds and pounds of clothes into an old suitcase and say sayonara size 10 (even some 8's!). I will never be in double digits again.

I am going to attempt to make cashew cheez this evening. Those are the cashews soaking, I know the picture is unnecessary but I really love that crystal bowl. I'm doing really well with the 99% cheese cut out. I will allow myself some cheese in restaurant food if I go out (ever) and will have the occasional pizza if I desire. But shockingly (to me), even though Friday night is pizza, wine and Criminal Minds night, I did not want pizza! I talked to myself in White's as I stood in front of the freezer case, "so you don't want that Amy's pizza? you want those quorn chix burgers instead? really?".
So as much as I believed that cheese was an integral part of my existence and the vast removal of it from my life would be devastating? Yeah, not so much.
Now I'm off to crank the tunes (absolutely obsessed with Kanye's latest and hip hop in general) and clean my daddy long legs infested bedroom. Kanye will make it fun :)

A girl can dream

This is my most desired reaction to anything and everyone this week:

Ugh

I wonder if people are just born with the propensity to be either negative or positive.
Instead of being over the moon happy about getting close to my goal weight (128 this morning. First time in the 120's since perhaps adolescence), I'm thinking and brooding over a certain event in my very recent past. That yes, threw me on the road to self improvement, but has also done presumably irreparable damage to my romantic future. In short, I doubt there is one. I still have the 'biggest crush ever', but am truthfully terrified of opening myself up to someone again.
So there's me talking to my shrink about my fear of dying bitter and alone, cat-less even because I'm allergic. And it's set the tone for the weekend.
Hung out with my bestie last night, drank some wine and bemoaned the fate of the world, which of course, became the fate of me.
As I'm going over in my head about all the things I bitch about, I am becoming a little frustrated with myself. I've had great days in the past few weeks. Days where my thoughts were nothing but sunshine and the world was a lovely place. Days where I didn't waste one second thinking about you-know-who. Days where the future was wide open. And I was anxious because I knew that following those days would be yesterday and today. Days where I'm just pissed off about everything that has ever 'happened' to me. Days where I'm pissed off at myself for eating something 'bad', not going for a morning run, blah blah etc etc.
Dr. G. says I am harder on myself than most everyone she knows. But if I'm not hard on me, who will be?
I don't get people who go through their lives smiling and carefree, who don't put any labels or restrictions on themselves. How can they be so undisciplined, I wonder. Why do they get to be happy when they're not making sure they do their best to 'deserve' it? Why?
Ugh.
So just now I've decided that I'm going to try to be kind to myself today. I'm gonna dance and sing and wear my favourite t-shirt and buy some treats for my girlies this evening. I'm going to smile and breath deeply. I'm going to focus on what makes me happy and kick all of the negative thoughts in the ass.
Wish me luck!

Catch it before it flies away..

Wednesday March 9, 2011
Why today? Because today for some unknown reason, I am


SUPER HAPPY!!!!!!

 The sun is shining
I didn't get rained on this morning on the way to the gym
I've been doing 50+ minutes of cardio pretty religiously every weekday morning now for one month and it feels great
Yoga and running and weight training are so much more enjoyable with a new (and improving!) fitness level
Cutting out dairy was easier than I ever imagined
I'm good at my job. Important people are noticing
I am becoming happy in myself - no outside input necessary
I have a new friend who is like another piece of me
I am becoming closer to 'old' friends because of my new zen aspirations
Summer 2011 is going to be RIGHTEOUS!!!

Those are the ones that I can put my finger on, anyway. An overall feeling of contentment and hope is overtaking me lately. And I love it.

I'm not happy every day. I still get sad, and down on life and down on me. I let that flow over me, and flow through me. We are our experiences. And what we choose to take from them shapes our future.