Saturday, March 12, 2011


I wonder if people are just born with the propensity to be either negative or positive.
Instead of being over the moon happy about getting close to my goal weight (128 this morning. First time in the 120's since perhaps adolescence), I'm thinking and brooding over a certain event in my very recent past. That yes, threw me on the road to self improvement, but has also done presumably irreparable damage to my romantic future. In short, I doubt there is one. I still have the 'biggest crush ever', but am truthfully terrified of opening myself up to someone again.
So there's me talking to my shrink about my fear of dying bitter and alone, cat-less even because I'm allergic. And it's set the tone for the weekend.
Hung out with my bestie last night, drank some wine and bemoaned the fate of the world, which of course, became the fate of me.
As I'm going over in my head about all the things I bitch about, I am becoming a little frustrated with myself. I've had great days in the past few weeks. Days where my thoughts were nothing but sunshine and the world was a lovely place. Days where I didn't waste one second thinking about you-know-who. Days where the future was wide open. And I was anxious because I knew that following those days would be yesterday and today. Days where I'm just pissed off about everything that has ever 'happened' to me. Days where I'm pissed off at myself for eating something 'bad', not going for a morning run, blah blah etc etc.
Dr. G. says I am harder on myself than most everyone she knows. But if I'm not hard on me, who will be?
I don't get people who go through their lives smiling and carefree, who don't put any labels or restrictions on themselves. How can they be so undisciplined, I wonder. Why do they get to be happy when they're not making sure they do their best to 'deserve' it? Why?
So just now I've decided that I'm going to try to be kind to myself today. I'm gonna dance and sing and wear my favourite t-shirt and buy some treats for my girlies this evening. I'm going to smile and breath deeply. I'm going to focus on what makes me happy and kick all of the negative thoughts in the ass.
Wish me luck!

No comments:

Post a Comment