so unfair sometimes!

Where I want to Be

Where I Am

A grrl could get used to this

Goes to show

You never can tell.

I've found comfort and caring in a place I least expected it. And hurt in another least expected.

Someone posted a status the other day - the three words I've learned about life; It goes on.

Number 2 of the 5 agreements:

Don't take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

This is a pretty hard thing to get. But when you do, or begin to, it creates a major 'ah-ha' moment.

I can sympathise, empathise, care for my friends. But sometimes, when all they do is bite, you have to back away. Yeah it hurts. And realising that it isn't anything that you said or did helps.

I am so

BORED (dramatic flop)!

So I've been on this self-discovery/help/improvement thing for seven months. I'm here in a pretty good place, mentally, physically, spiritually. But now I'm all like, ok, what's next?

Hmmm.

I have two trips planned this summer, both to Toronto, one definite, the other dependant on the travelling partner.

Work is..... work. I can't say I've been overly motivated or thrilled with it, but I'm doing a good job at my job.

The health kick is going well, if a bit obsessively. As of last Saturday I'm one pound off of my goal weight....and again....then what?

I've been having a great time with good friends. And I could do more, and perhaps will when I get my poor bikey back (in the shop, mufflerless).

I'm thinking about a new camera, my lil Nikon has been fun and inspiring and I'm ready to move on to the next level. No where near my Kristy's level, who's practically a professional, but I would like to take better pictures.

I have NOTHING to complain about, but here I am feeling all blah and listless and poor ol bored me.

Sigh

Ok, so maybe I don't hate them ALL....

Hooray for a Monday off! And yeah, I will get to my vinyasa shortly, but first I did a bit more home fixes and a bit of internet surfing. There this site I like : http://www.theberry.com/ , because of the often cool, often funny pictures they post daily. They also do this bit called 'afternoon eye candy' which usually I'm 'meh' about (you know how I feel about 'those' people), but they had my favourite smexy nerd from Criminal Minds once, which I was all over, and then.....this guy. Jason Momoa. Forgive the drool. But I'm putting this up in my cubicle for INSTANT joy. Thank you Jason, for convincing me to be a little bit more kindly inclined towards those of your persuasion....

nah, it won't be hot this time....

Good lord, I can be dumb sometimes.
How many people would go back and pick up the burning coal that had burned the shit out of them 10 minutes ago?
Well, I'm one of them.
Perhaps I do this to test myself, to see if I can handle it. And maybe one day I will be able to.
 

“no one saves us but ourselves,
 no one may and no one can,
 we ourselves must walk the path”

Tuesday reflection

Yeah, here I go again, all introspective and psudeo-zen.

I've been having a heart to heart with a good friend, and I've come to re-realise a couple of things.

We are in this to learn.

What we learn creates who we are.

Who are we to argue with greater plan?

Believing that there is a greater plan brings ultimate peace.

There - done. Ok?

Life IV

’T IS so much joy! ’T is so much joy!
If I should fail, what poverty!
And yet, as poor as I
Have ventured all upon a throw;
Have gained! Yes! Hesitated so
This side the victory!
Life is but life, and death but death!
Bliss is but bliss, and breath but breath!
And if, indeed, I fail,
At least to know the worst is sweet.
Defeat means nothing but defeat,
No drearier can prevail!
And if I gain,—oh, gun at sea,
Oh, bells that in the steeples be,
At first repeat it slow!
For heaven is a different thing
Conjectured, and waked sudden in,
And might o’erwhelm me so!

Love risks degenerating into obsession.....

There are a lot of things I love, and lately some of them are degenerating into obsession..

- Food journaling: If you write down everything that you put in your mouth, you may be surprised at what is sneaking past your gates. I found this to be true. Now, of course, my first thought before preparing, eating anything is 'you know you'll have to write that down'. Which is the point I guess. But I am a little inclined to be regimental about things. And watch out for the recriminations when I slip up!

- Weekly weigh in: A 'bad' one can ruin my week. A good one (127 and sticking for now) makes me paranoid.

- Yoga: One word, ouch. Yoga at it's best is transcendent. Yoga at it's worse is me falling on my head repeatedly while trying to 'stick' that damn crow pose. I will do it. I will.

- Cardio: If my weekly calorie burned count is pathetic, so am I.

- Weight training: love love love it. hate hate hate it. It hurts. All the time. But I love to be sore. The more it hurts the harder I've worked.

- Therapy: My shrink is on vacation. I have fallen apart in four weeks.

- Coaching: I'm sure I'm a disappointment in my lack of progression. I may have changed a lot, but to me, it's never enough.

- Independence: Guarding that sh*t like a cracked out chihuahua. My house, my way. My life, my way. Period.

Dr. G. told me that I'm one of the hardest task masters she's ever met. I watch myself with an eagle eye and am quick to crack the whip. And regrets? Oh I have a few. And no matter what Frank says, they aren't too few to mention.

This personal journey out the abyss has been marvelous and terrifying. Humbling and gratifying.

But I'm still me. And for some reason, I still can't convince myself that I'm doing okay. I am happy, but I still feel like I'm missing something - something important. I know it's *only* been six months and I know I've come a LONG way. I'm here to tell you though, the work never ends.

Sunday Chill

This weekend has been busy and great! Friday met my boo at North Rock then had dinner with my new extended familia (love you, Rowntrees!). Then Sass came over for some Porch time, never enough of it. Saturday was bright and early with Bri and Mom coming over to do some more little fixes around the house - I finally have a porch light again! And I will brag on it, this place is looking fab. Kristy, Keith and Em came over in the evening, to check out the pad and go through Dad's huge coin collection.....alas no million dollar finds but I still hold out hope. We drank Skinny Girl Margaritas (which for some reason are $10 more a bottle at White's) and I played a game of hide and seek with Emily while the grown ups searched the internet for possible coin finds. After they left, (Keith with my busted Toshiba which he is going to attempt to fix!) I had another Marga and caught up a bit more on my True Blood seasons. Again up bright and early for some reason today, so I'm hanging out on the internet finding cool pictures. Lunch making for the week - tahini tofu, couscous and garlic spinach, and vinyasa in a couple of hours or so. I'm so chuffed at my yoga practice, the better you get at it, the more enjoyable it is! Looking forward to weight training with Rupert tomorrow, this new found fitness is hands down the best thing in my life right now.
Here's some of the cool pics I've been browsing, and a couple of throw back pics from Christmas. Enjoy!