Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Love risks degenerating into obsession.....

There are a lot of things I love, and lately some of them are degenerating into obsession..

- Food journaling: If you write down everything that you put in your mouth, you may be surprised at what is sneaking past your gates. I found this to be true. Now, of course, my first thought before preparing, eating anything is 'you know you'll have to write that down'. Which is the point I guess. But I am a little inclined to be regimental about things. And watch out for the recriminations when I slip up!

- Weekly weigh in: A 'bad' one can ruin my week. A good one (127 and sticking for now) makes me paranoid.

- Yoga: One word, ouch. Yoga at it's best is transcendent. Yoga at it's worse is me falling on my head repeatedly while trying to 'stick' that damn crow pose. I will do it. I will.

- Cardio: If my weekly calorie burned count is pathetic, so am I.

- Weight training: love love love it. hate hate hate it. It hurts. All the time. But I love to be sore. The more it hurts the harder I've worked.

- Therapy: My shrink is on vacation. I have fallen apart in four weeks.

- Coaching: I'm sure I'm a disappointment in my lack of progression. I may have changed a lot, but to me, it's never enough.

- Independence: Guarding that sh*t like a cracked out chihuahua. My house, my way. My life, my way. Period.

Dr. G. told me that I'm one of the hardest task masters she's ever met. I watch myself with an eagle eye and am quick to crack the whip. And regrets? Oh I have a few. And no matter what Frank says, they aren't too few to mention.

This personal journey out the abyss has been marvelous and terrifying. Humbling and gratifying.

But I'm still me. And for some reason, I still can't convince myself that I'm doing okay. I am happy, but I still feel like I'm missing something - something important. I know it's *only* been six months and I know I've come a LONG way. I'm here to tell you though, the work never ends.

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